


For Our Sins

by AtLeastWeWontBeLonelyInHell



Category: The Mentalist
Genre: Dark, Drama, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, ansgst, dark themes, dark&twisty, re-post from 2014
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-16
Updated: 2014-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 04:30:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17439986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtLeastWeWontBeLonelyInHell/pseuds/AtLeastWeWontBeLonelyInHell
Summary: And where was Ray? He wanted to have that baby. Now he could as well take care of it. But of course he couldn’t be here. He was supposed to be dead. He was dead, even when of course he wasn’t. Because if he really had died in that explosion in Jane’s guest house three years ago she wouldn’t be in this mess.And why can’t that baby stop crying?Jane must have sensed her distress, because when she looks up he’s already on his way out. His hands on the crib. „I’ll get her something to eat and you get some sleep. Alright?“She barely manages to nod, while she watches the two of them leave her room. Jane humming a lullaby and calming the little girl down instantly. Teresa feels jealous and relieved at the same time.She turns her head aside, to look out of the window. It’s already dark outside and Teresa wonders what time it is. Wonders if Ray would come to see his daughter.





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> And a BIG special thank you goes to the wonderful clairebare for beta reading!

**For Our Sins**

**.**

**.**

Teresa Lisbon is exhausted. Her body hurts in places she never thought it could hurt and the only thing she wants right now is sleep.

Instead she’s looking at the baby girl in the crib beside her.

The miracle of life.

Teresa has no idea how her mother managed to give birth to four kids and even wanted to have a fifth. She sure as hell won’t to do this ever again.

She keeps looking at her daughter. The small bundle of joy, wrapped in a pink blanket. The dark hair, the tiny little fists and the rosy cheeks. Ten fingers, ten toes. Perfect and healthy. Everything a mother could want. Everything a mother could be proud of. And she should be happy, Teresa knows.

But she isn’t. She has no idea how she feels. And she isn’t sure if she’ll be able to be a mother.

There’s a knock on the door and when she looks up she spots Jane in the doorframe of her hospital room. A beaming smile on his face. Balloons, flowers and a bag full of presents in his hands.

„How are you two doing?“ he asks her as he steps in. The pink balloons dance under the ceiling, while he puts the flowers into a vase and the presents on the table.

„We’re fine,“ Teresa answers him tiredly and even manages a smile as she watches him.

„That had been quite a day, huh,“ Jane says, as he finally sits down on the bed beside her. „I’m sure I’ve never seen Cho smile like that before,“ he adds. „If I’d known how easy that was, I would have made him ride the elevator with a pregnant woman years ago.“

„Don’t remind me,“ Teresa feels herself blush. She still can’t believe that that really had happened. That Cho had been the one to deliver her daughter in the FBI elevator, only a few hours ago.

That would surely link them together for the rest of their lives, she already knew. And he probably knew, too. Cho had smiled like a kid on Christmas Eve with her daughter in his arms.

The miracle of life, huh?

„I don’t think I’ll be able to look him in the eye ever again,“ Teresa mutters, trying to avoid Jane’s look as well.

She still feels embarrassed. Of course she knows there’s nothing to be embarrassed about and it wasn’t like she had been in control of the situation. If there had been a way to keep the baby inside she sure would have. But nature had other plans and Cho had been the only one there to help.

„I told you, you should have taken the stairs,“ Jane tells her mockingly and Teresa wants to hit him.

„Yeah right, Jane,“ she scoffs. „Did you ever try to walk the stairs nine months pregnant? It’s no fun at all and stop grinning. It really isn’t funny.“ She gives him a deadly glare. But Jane keeps grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

„Stop that,“ she tells him again. „And if you see Abbott you can tell him that I think about suing the FBI.“

„Stop what, Lisbon. And for what do you think you can sue them? Being stuck in an elevator?“

„Stop grinning. And yes, because if that damn thing didn’t get stuck, I probably wouldn’t have gone into labor in the first place,“ Teresa explains angrily. „My daughter wasn’t supposed to be born in an elevator three weeks early, with one of my co-workers playing the midwife.“

This time he does stop grinning, before her puts his hand protectively over hers. „Do what you have to do to feel better,“ he tells her soothingly. „I’m just glad you and the baby are both okay.“

Teresa knows he’s telling the truth. It’s written all over his face, displayed in his blue eyes and she knows she doesn’t deserve it. And if he knew the truth about her, he wouldn’t look at her like that anyway.

He would probably choke her to death, just like he did with the man he thought had been Red John in that park back in Sacramento. She would deserve it after all.

She watches him, as he looks down at her baby and Teresa wonders if he already knows. Of course there is no way he could, but still she can’t help wonder if somehow he does suspect something.

He stopped asking her about the father months ago, after she got so angry she almost lost the baby. He’d been scared like hell when he saw the blood turning her jeans crimson and even more when he’d realised that she wasn’t.

But it hadn’t been as bad as it looked like. Obviously. Still, Jane never asked her again and simply accepted the fact that she wasn’t going to tell him.

„So she’s still named baby Lisbon?“ She looks up at Jane and watches him point at the pink ribbon around the baby’s wrist.

„I hadn’t picked a name yet,“ Teresa tells him almost apologetically. And she does feel bad for not having named her yet. „I thought I had three more weeks, remember?“

„Right,“ Jane nods. „But there must be names you had on short list?“

He watches her curiously and Teresa shrugs. „I thought about Mia. Emma is nice, too. But there are so many names, I really don’t know how to choose the right one.“

„If she doesn’t like the name she can still change it when she’s older.“

Teresa bites her lip thoughtfully. He’s right. She probably won’t find the right one anyway. No matter how much time she’ll spend looking.

„I like Lilly,“ Jane tells her all of a sudden. His blue eyes sparkling in the light. „Short for Lillian. Like that homicide detective on that tv show. She’s tough. And since I think your daughter is going to be just as tough as you, I’m sure it would suite her.“

He gives her a smile and Teresa suddenly has to fight back tears. She already discussed that name a few months back. Only with a different man.

_„How do you think we should name her, Ray?“_

_„I like Lilly.“_

_„Short for Lillian?“_

_„No love, short for Lillith. It means „belonging to the night“. According to legends told in the middle ages, she’d been Adams first wife and was turned into a demon after she refused to obey his wishes.“_

She had been too shocked to say anything, so she simply hadn’t said anything at all and hadn’t asked him again either. But he surely assumed it was a settled decision anyway.

„Do you want me to call someone?“ Jane brings her back to the present. „Your brothers maybe? Annabeth?“

Teresa blinks back her tears. He looks worried and she knows she must look like hell. But she really doesn’t need anyone else to come and see her like this. Besides, what Jane doesn’t know, she hadn’t told her brothers or Annabeth yet.

She just talked to them over the phone. And there never had been a good moment to tell them that she was going to be a mother.

But before Teresa has the time to answer Jane’s question, the baby starts to cry.

It starts low, but turns into high-pitched cries pretty quickly and all Teresa manages is to stare. It’s terrifying how fast that innocent sleeping baby had turned into an angry screaming infant.

And she knows it’s what babies do, but she can’t stop thinking that the girl really is his father’s daughter. And she knows people aren’t born as serial killers and that she still can grow up to be a wonderful, sweet and loving woman and not a manipulative killer. She knows all that, has read enough about those things over the past few months. But the fear is still there, making it impossible for her to move.

„She’s hungry,“ Jane interrupts her thoughts, while he looks at her as if he’s waiting for her to do something.

And she knows she should, but she feels even more exhausted then she did half an hour ago and just thinking that she has to feed the baby is too much. Of course she knows how to, she raised her brothers after all. But she just can’t do it.

„Can you look for the nurse to get some baby formula?“ she asks Jane, trying to block out the crying.

He looks surprised and Teresa scolds herself for being so stupid. The whole pregnancy thing had been bad enough for Jane anyway. She knew how often he thought about Charlotte those past months and now she keeps torturing him, by acting like a helpless teenage girl.

It wasn’t his mess to deal with. It was her own.

„I’m sorry, Jane. I’m tired and I can’t think straight, I just…“ she wants to sit up, but Jane shakes his head. His hand still on hers, as he pushes her gently down on the pillow.

„It’s fine, Lisbon. I’m glad if I can help, I just thought you would do what most women do to feed the baby. That’s all.“

Once again she’s blushing and she can’t believe she’s actually talking about breastfeeding with Jane. What the hell happened to her life?

„No I won’t,“ she tells him, her eyes darting to the crying girl in the crib. Her daughter’s face all red and puffy, her hands balled to angry little fists and Teresa fights the urge to put her hands against her own ears.

How is she supposed to deal with that noise? Had her brothers been crying that much when they were little? Probably. It’s what babies do. But she can’t remember for sure. And she doesn’t really care, she just wants it to stop.

She knows she should take her out of the crib and hold her, but she can’t do that either. Not now.

„Could you just get me a nurse, please?“ She asks Jane again, her tears on the verge of spilling. And she hates that she sounds so fucking desperate, but she’s so damn tired and she just wants the baby to stop crying.

And where the fuck was Ray? He wanted to have that baby. Now he could as well take care of it. But of course he couldn’t be here. He was supposed to be dead. He was dead, even when of course he wasn’t. Because if he really had died in that explosion in Jane’s guest house three years ago she wouldn’t be in this mess.

And why can’t that baby stop crying?

Jane must have sensed her distress, because when she looks up he’s already on his way out. His hands on the crib. „I’ll get her something to eat and you get some sleep. Alright?“

She barely manages to nod, while she watches the two of them leave her room. Jane humming a lullaby and calming the little girl down instantly. Teresa feels jealous and relieved at the same time.

She turns her head aside, to look out of the window. It’s already dark outside and Teresa wonders what time it is. Wonders if Ray would come to see his daughter.

She hasn’t seen him over the last couple of days and she’s sure he’d been annoyed with her pregnancy complaints, but no matter what other women might write on the god damn internet being pregnant hadn’t been a beautiful experience at all.

At least not for her. And she just had to complain.

But maybe he would come to see her tonight. Maybe he wouldn’t. After all Ray was still the one making the rules and not her.

She feels a single tear trickle down her cheek, as her eye lids flutter shut.

_Lilly._

She would name her daughter Lilly.

**.**

**.**


	2. Part II

**For Our Sins**

**Part II**

**.**

**.**

„Please, Lilly. Please just stop crying. Please.“

The only answer Teresa gets is another high-pitched scream from her daughter, her tiny little fists pushing angrily against her chest. And Teresa has no idea what to do.

No matter what she does, the baby on her arms won’t stop squirming and screaming. And Teresa is surprised at how a baby that small can be that loud.

Teresa hasn’t slept since she left the hospital, hasn’t eaten or taken a shower. She knows there’s some baby vomit in her hair and on her shirt. But it’s not like anyone beside Lilly is going to see her and she’s sure the little girl doesn’t care what she looks like. Besides, Lilly hates her anyway.

Teresa knows she has to go to the store soon because she’s running out off diapers and baby formula. But she has no idea how to do that with her eyes on the verge of falling shut and a screaming new born in her arms.

She isn’t even sure what day it is and if she really left the hospital only a day ago.

„Please, Lilly. Please stop crying. Please,“ Teresa pleads. Her daughter still gently pressed against her chest.

The baby’s face all red and puffy, her screams fill the apartment and Teresa is sure the whole building. It wouldn’t be long before the neighbors start to complain and Teresa laughs just thinking about it, because it’s Ray’s apartment and he’s the one who’ll to have to deal with it.

_Serves him right._

He only called her back once. Told her he’s somewhere in Europe and promised her to come as soon as possible. But he hadn’t. Of course he couldn’t have known the baby would be three weeks early, of course he had other plans, but he sure as hell could have come back by now.

„Please, Lilly. Please just stop. Please, just for a moment,“ Teresa begs while she paces through her apartment for the millionth time that morning.

Her whole body hurts. She thought pregnancy had been a bad experience, but now it turns out the postpartum was even worse.

„Please, Lilly. Please,“ She beseeches the child. She stumbles through the living room and into the hallway. She’s so tired. She just wants to sleep.

„Please, Lilly,“ she whispers, while she grabs the corner of a drawer to keep herself upright. She knows she needs help, she can’t do this any longer.

Teresa takes her phone with her before she puts the screaming infant down in her crib.

„Just for a second, Lilly, just let me make a call. I’ll take you back out again in a moment,“ she tells her daughter while she sinks down to the floor. With her back against the wall, Teresa calls the only number she can think of.

Jane answers after the second ring.

„Hey, Lisbon, how are you doing?“ he asks her and the second she hears his voice she starts to sob. She puts her hand over her mouth in an attempt to muffle the sound, but it’s no use. Tears fall down her cheeks, while her sobs mix with Lilly’s high-pitched cries.

„What happened?“ Jane’s alarmed.

„She won’t stop crying,“ Teresa sobs into the phone. „I tried everything, but she won’t stop and I need to get to the store and I don’t know what to do.“

„Just stay calm, Teresa,“ Jane tells her and she hears a car door slam shut. „I’m on my way.“ He keeps talking to her and she keeps the phone against her ear, too tired to do anything else. Lilly’s still screaming in her crib.

For the first time, she’s glad Jane’s able to pick a lock because she wouldn’t have been able to get to the door. When he makes his way in Lilly’s room, he takes a quick glance at her before he lifts Lilly up in his arms.

Surprised by the sudden movement, Lilly is quiet for a moment before she starts crying again. Teresa watches Jane whispering soothing words and humming a song, while he rocks the screaming girl in his arms. It doesn’t take long before Lilly is silent.

If Teresa wasn’t so tired, she would laugh.

„Are you alright?“ Jane asks her a moment later, bending to his knees in front of her. And Teresa stares at the peacefully sleeping girl in his arms.

How did he do that?

„She hates me,“ Teresa whispers. Tears well up in her eyes once more. And she’s not sure why. Does it really matter if the baby hates her? She hadn’t even wanted her.

„No, she doesn’t, Teresa,“ Jane answers her softly. „You’re just tired.“

He’s wrong, she knows. But she’s in no state to argue the point. The sudden silence makes her even sleepier. Jane asks her something else, but she can’t follow his words anymore.

Her eyes fall shut.

.

With a sigh, Patrick lets himself sink down into the cushions of Lisbon’s couch in the living room. Over the years he’d completely forgotten how exhausting taking care of a newborn could be.

Especially when you try to do some housework, too. And of course there was no need for him to do either of it, but he felt wrong just sitting around in a mess Lisbon was obviously in no state to take care of herself.

He used the time the baby was sleeping on his chest to clean up the apartment and even managed to do some laundry. He had to admit he was proud of himself.

„We really deserve a break, don’t we Lilly?“ He asks the sleeping baby on his chest, while he puts one of his hands gently against the back of her head. Those carrier things really were a blessing. He remembered them from the time when Charlotte was little. So the first thing he bought when he and Lilly got to the shopping mall had been just that.

At first Lilly had looked like she was about to scream again, but then obviously decided otherwise and had rested her head against his chest instead. Of course he looked completely ridiculous and unmanly, but he had both hands free for grocery shopping. And Lilly had been quite satisfied with that arangement, too. She apparently still was.

Buying diapers had felt like a science project to him, there had been so many brands he still wonders where the whole point was. They all worked the same way, didn’t they? In the end he’d chosen the once they used for Charlotte.

He got a new brand of baby formula as well, because he recently read that all the crying could come from the wrong milk powder if the baby wasn’t sated enough or couldn’t digest it. Well, actually he looked it up on the internet, but he wouldn’t admit that out loud.

And he bought some healthy food for Lisbon since he’d seen her fridge had been empty. No big surprise there, she’d been one of those unlucky women who had a hell of a pregnancy. Instead of gaining weight, she’d lost. It had taken him a while to figure out that she was barely able to keep any food down.

She’d become really good at hiding the truth about a lot of things over those past months. Like who the father was for an example. He still has no idea.

When Lilly starts to squirm in his arms, Patrick looks down at the little girl and takes a glance at the clock, realizing it was time for her next bottle.

He gets up from the couch, to make his way to the kitchen. Once again noticing how expensive and elegant Lisbon’s new apartment is. She moved just a couple of weeks ago and it’s the first time she’s asked him over. Well, begged him to come actually, but that wasn’t the point.

And even though he still has no idea who Lilly’s father was or for whatever reason he wasn’t there to help Lisbon, at least he was paying. And obviously he was paying a lot, because Jane is sure even the month’s rent was a lot more than Lisbon could have paid on her own.

And not just that. She had a new SUV. And that stroller he’d spotted in the hallway, that expensive import from Europe. Or that luxurious car seat for Lilly in the back of her new car. Not to mention everything else that the little girl owed.

In the kitchen he heats up the water for the bottle, before he walks back to Lilly’s room to change the baby’s diapers. Carefully, not to wake up Lisbon he makes his way inside.

She’s still sleeping on the floor, in the middle of some cushions and stuffed animals. Wrapped in a blanket he got her from the living room. She looks exhausted and he wonders if she’d been able to sleep at all since she got released from the hospital a day ago.

And he scolds himself for not coming here sooner. He wanted to, he really wanted to, but there had been a case out of town and it wasn’t like he had a lot of say in the matter. A case was a case and he’d just got back to town when Lisbon called him.

When Lilly’s back in her pink romper suit, he lifts her up in his arms from the changing table.

A few minutes later he’s back on the couch in the living room, Lilly gently cradled in his arms and sucking at the baby bottle greedily. Her blue eyes watch him curiously from time to time, before she closes them again. And he can’t help but laugh. He’s impressed how such a little baby can look at him like this. Her tiny hands holding on to one of his fingers with an impressive strength.

And Patrick has to remind himself, that he shouldn’t get too attached to her. That she isn’t his and that as soon as Lisbon gets herself together again, she won’t ask for his help anymore.

He’d known right from the start, when Lisbon told him that she was pregnant, that he messed up his chance to start over.

Well, to be honest she hadn’t really told him anything at all. He simply put two and two together and when he asked her she started to sob.

Looking down at Lilly now, just makes him realize that she could have been his.

If he hadn’t been such a goddamn mess.

.

It’s the sound of a lullaby that makes Teresa open her eyes again. She blinks and finds herself lying on the floor in Lilly’s bedroom. Wrapped in a blanket and with a pillow under her head. It takes her a while to remember how she got there and when she does she sits up instantly.

With a hand on the wall, she gets up to her feet and makes her way to the crib. The lullaby comes from the music mobile over Lilly’s bed.

Quietly Teresa leans forward to take a look and finds Lilly, peacefully sleeping in her snuggle sack. With no resemblance to the angry screaming infant from this morning.

Careful not to disturb her daughter, Teresa leaves the room. She makes her way down the hallway. And the first thing she notices is that her living room is clean. The empty baby bottles from the coffee table are gone, as well as her coffee mugs and the dirty laundry she left on the floor. The blankets on the couch are neatly folded.

Guilt rushes through her veins. She shouldn’t have called him. She should have known he wouldn’t just take care of Lilly.

She makes her way to the kitchen, where she finds Jane. He stands at the counter making a salad.

„Morning sleepyhead,“ he gives her a soft smile. „Feeling better?“

She nods slowly, noticing he cleaned up the kitchen as well. She feels even more guilty. He shouldn’t have done this. He wasn’t her husband. He wasn’t even Lilly’s father.

If he knew the truth he wouldn’t even be her friend anymore.

„What time is it?“ she asks. Pulling a strand of her hair back behind her ear and the sleeves of her shirt over her hands. Trying to bury the dark thoughts.

„Almost five pm,“ he tells her while he dries his hands on a kitchen towel.

„You let me sleep the whole day?“ She asks. But Jane just shrugs.

„You needed it,“ he tells her as he picks up the knife to slice the tomatoes.

Teresa watches him for a moment, before she lets herself sink down on a chair at her kitchen table. „Thank you, Jane,“ is all she’s able to muster. And she knows she owes him a lot more than that, but right now it’s all she’s able to offer.

„It’s fine, Teresa,“ he tells her.

„I shouldn’t have called you,“ she mumbles. Feeling her face redden. „I’m sorry, Jane. I was so tired, I couldn’t…I know how hard it is for you…“ She stops midsentence, when she sees him shake his head.

„It’s fine, Lisbon,“ he tells her again. „There is nothing you need to be sorry about.“

She wants to say something else, but Jane just shakes his head again. „It’s fine, Teresa. No need to worry. Go and take a shower, I’ll make us something to eat.“

The word shower is enough to remind her of Lillys vomit in her hair. She grimaces. She must look like a train wreck. Great.

„How long has she been sleeping?“ she asks Jane, while she gets up.

„Half an hour I think, if your hurry up we should be able to eat before she wakes up again.“

„Don’t you have to be back at work or something?“ Teresa asks him, hoping the answer is no, because the last thing she wants right now is him leaving. No matter how selfish that may be.

„Not before tomorrow morning,“ he tells her, briefly looking up. „And now go and take that shower, I’m hungry.“

Teresa does as she’s told. Takes a long hot shower, washes her hair twice before she gets out and dressed in some clean comfy clothes. When she makes her way back to the kitchen, dinner is already on the table. Jane’s waiting for her with a smile on his face. And she knows it’s wrong on so many levels, but she enjoys him being there.

When she sits down beside him, she realizes how hungry she is and she has to remind herself to take it slow, if she doesn’t want to end up being sick. It’s far too long since she was able to eat a proper dinner.

It tastes delicious, Jane has outdone himself again and she eats more than she should. Ending up full and sleepy half an hour later.

She wants to help him with the dishes. It’s the least she can do, but he tells her to lie down and she’s too tired to disagree. She makes it to the living room, where she sinks down on the couch. Her eyes already closed.

When Jane comes in a few minutes later, to wrap her small form into a blanket, she’s already fast asleep.

.

Patrick spends most of the night in Lilly’s room. Changing the diapers, watching her drink her baby formula and rocking her back to sleep.

When he’s not in the baby’s room, he sits on the floor of the living room and tries to read a book he took from Lisbon’s bookshelf. Falling asleep himself sometime during the night. When Lilly’s angry cries wake him up again, he’s completely confused and for a brief moment he thinks he’s in his house in Malibu and it’s Charlotte crying in her room.

Of course it isn’t and when he realizes that, he has a hard time to controlling his feelings. After that he’s careful not to fall asleep again.

He gets a call from Agent Fisher around seven, to tell him that they have a case. She tells him Cho will come to pick him up, since it had been Cho who drove him there.

Patrick tries to convince her that he’s sick and that he can’t work, but she just laughs and tells him that if he doesn’t show up at the crime scene in an hour, she’ll be more than happy to arrest him.

She ends the call and Patrick goes up to wake Lisbon.

He touches her face briefly, whispers her name until she blinks and looks up at him. It must have been written all over his face, because she sits up on the couch almost immediately.

„A new case?“ She asks him, already masking her distress with a fake smile. And he wishes he couldn’t read her so damn well.

„I’m afraid so.“ He looks down at his phone to collect his thoughts.

He doesn’t want to leave her alone, but he hasn’t much of a choice. He still has to fulfill his part of the deal and he got lucky they let him stay with her yesterday.

When he looks up at her, she’s bites her lip so hard she draws blood. He pretends not to notice and grabs his jacket from the armrest.

„Lilly should be asleep for at least one more hour,“ Patrick tells her. „I changed her diaper and gave her a bottle around five.“

Lisbon nods and Patrick wonders if she’ll be able to hold back her tears before he makes his way out, because it’s obvious that she’s on the verge of losing it. And he wishes there were something he could do for her. But there isn’t.

He thinks about calling her brothers or at least her niece, but Patrick is almost sure they don’t even know she’d been pregnant in the first place. And it wasn’t his business to tell them.

Lisbon follows him to the door, stays in the doorframe while he makes his way out to the elevator. When he turns around to look back at her he knows she’s going to cry as soon as the door falls shut.

„If you want me to come over after work, don’t hesitate to call me,“ he tells her. „As long as I’m in town, I’m here in less than ten minutes.“

Lisbon gives him a smile. „I’ll be fine, Jane,“ she tries to assure him and but her eyes give her away. This isn’t going to work he knows and he feels horrible for leaving her alone in a state like this.

But the ringing of his phone reminds him that he really has to go now.

„That’s Cho,“ he tells her. „He’s waiting for me downstairs.“

Lisbon nods and he wishes he could stay with her.

„Just give me a call,“ he reminds her, before he hurries down the staircase hoping that she will.

.

Fighting back her tears, Teresa leans back against the door. For a moment she allows herself to close her eyes and listen to the silence around her.

„So that’s what you’re doing when I’m gone, love?“

Ray’s voice makes her scream in surprise. She takes an unsteady step back, hits her head against the door and when she opens her eyes she finds him staring at her with a smug grin on his face.

„What are you doing here?“ She asks him breathless.

He gives her a cold and bitter laugh. „Well, love, last time I checked it was still my apartment.“

„You know exactly what I mean, Ray! Where the hell did you just come from!“

„From our bedroom.“ He tells her straightening his black suit thoughtfully. „You would have known if you weren’t so busy sleeping in the living room with our dear friend Patrick.“

Teresa blinks and stares at him, trying to understand what he just said. He’d been here? The whole time?

„When did you get home?“ Her voice is barely above a whisper.

„Around two this morning and imagine my surprise when I found Patrick Jane singing my daughter back to sleep.“

Teresa swallows. He’d been there the whole night?

„I needed help,“ she manages to answer. „And unlike you, he came.“

„Unlike me?“ Ray laughs again. He watches her with a solemn expression on his face. „What are you trying to say, Teresa? I just told you I was there.“

She returns his gaze. Trying her best to hide her fear, while she stares into his cold blue eyes. Wondering why he didn’t just kill them in their sleep. Almost wishing he had.

It’s Lilly that breaks the silence between them. Her angry screams echo through the apartment.

„Don’t you think you should do something about that noise?“ Ray asks. Still watching her with the same stoic expression on his face and not moving an inch.

„No,“ Teresa tells him and almost spits her next words into his face. „You wanted to have her, you go. And if you can’t keep her quiet, just call Jane. He could.“

She expects him to grab and hit her. Or throw her against the nearest wall or everything at the same time. She sure would deserve it. But he doesn’t. Neither of it.

He stares at her for what feels like forever, before he disappears into the hallway. A moment later the crying stops abruptly and it’s silent again.

Too silent.

And suddenly, Teresa feels sick.

Before she knows what she’s doing she stumbles to Lilly’s bedroom. „I didn’t mean it, Ray. I’m sorry.“ She calls after him, tears blurring her vision. „I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry!“

She expects everything. Every gruesome possibility. But when she barges into her daughter’s bedroom, she finds Ray in the rocking chair in front of the window.

Lilly cradled carefully in his arms, her tiny little hand holding on to one of his fingers. Her clear blue eyes meeting his.

And Teresa realizes that she’s seeing them both smile a real smile for the first time in their lives.

**.**

**.**


	3. Part III

**For Our Sins**

**Part III**

**.**

**.**

Teresa isn’t sure how long she stands in the doorframe and watches Ray with their daughter in his arms. The sun that streams through the window bathes them in light. Ray’s blue eyes sparkling with joy and pride.

If they were ordinary people, it would be a normal picture of some father daughter bonding time.

But they’re not ordinary. Far away from ordinary.

Teresa holds on to the wall. It’s obvious that she’s dispensable. She could just leave and Ray wouldn’t even reconize it. He probably wouldn’t even care.

She almost laughs. She spent years waiting for this moment. Spent years planning and hoping for the right moment to disappear out of his grasp. And now it turns out a baby was her solution?

After a few more minutes Teresa finally turns around and leaves.

She doesn’t care that she wears sweatpants and a shirt she wouldn’t even wear to take the garbage out. She doesn’t care that she hasn’t combed her hair or done anything else to look like a sane and healthy person. It’s not like anyone cares anyway. She just grabs her coat and her car keys, before she closes the door quietly behind her.

As soon as she gets on the highway she speeds up to the limit and just drives. Stares out of the windshield in the bright Texas sun, unshed tears blurring her vision.

She’s at the other end of town when she realizes she has nowhere to go.

Teresa pulls the car over and comes to a sudden halt on the side of the road. Her trembling hands on the wheel, while she tries to calm her breathing.

Where on earth could she possibly hide? What the hell had she been thinking? Not even death was her ticket out of this nightmare.

* * *

**Almost four years ago…**

_Seven Suspects._

_It’s only a matter of time now, Teresa knows. Only a matter of time before Jane finds out the truth. Only a matter of time until her lies come crashing down on her like waves on a stormy sea._

_And there was nothing she could do to save herself from drowning._

_All she wants to do is cry. But crying won’t get her out of this mess either._

_Instead she takes a deep breath, before she grabs the bottle of pills from her desk drawer. It had taken her a while to figure out the ones that would actually kill her and not just put her in a goddamn coma. It had taken even longer to get them, especially without Ray finding out. She knows better than anyone that his people are everywhere._

_Teresa stares at the bottle while she considers her options. She knows if she takes them now she has an hour to get home. But if she waits until she gets home she probably won’t have a chance to take them at all. Ray often shows up unexpected._

_Screw it!_

_She bites her lip thoughtfully, before she finally opens up the lid and shakes a few pills into her waiting hand. She gulps them down with some water, before she takes another handful and another…_

_Teresa is halfway done when she starts to gag. Hastily she puts her free hand against her mouth to stop the pills from spilling back out. She closes her eyes and tries to think of something else to get her gag reflex under control._

_She takes a few deep breaths to compose herself, before she takes another handful of pills and another until the bottle is empty._

_When she’s done she just sits there for a moment and fights the urge to throw up. When she’s sure she’s able to leave, she puts the empty pill bottle in her bag._

_She takes one last look back in her office as she switches off the light and wonders briefly who would be in charge of her team once she was six feet under. Maybe Cho. Cho would be a good choice._

_With her coat in one hand and her bag in the other, she makes her way to the elevator. Stops still and takes the stairs to Jane’s attic instead. She’s surprised when she finds the door open and Jane sitting at his desk with a cup of tea in his hands. He looks up when he hears her footsteps on the floorboards._

_„Hey Lisbon,“ he says. A smile on his lips that makes her tremble with guilt. „I thought you already left?“_

_„I’m on my way,“ she tells him, giving him one of her best fake smiles. „Any progress?“_

_„Not really. But I’m getting there.“_

_Teresa nods. She has no doubt that he will succeed. That’s the problem, isn’t it? When she feels dizzy all of a sudden, she has to grab the doorframe to keep herself upright. And of course Jane notices._

_„Are you alright, Lisbon?“ Jane sounds alarmed, already halfway through the room and she scolds herself. Why did she come up here again?_

_„I’m fine, Jane. Just tired,“ Teresa manages to get out. Another fake smile on her face and her hand up in the air to keep him from coming closer. Her pupils maybe already show that she’s taken something._

_„Are you sure?“ Jane asks her again. „You look pale.“_

_Teresa gives him a laugh. „I’m just tired, Jane. And besides, the light up here isn’t the best.“_

_He chuckles and Teresa feels so sad, it’s almost impossible to hold back the tears she didn’t even knew she was fighting. This is goodbye. This is forever. But this way he may never find out the truth. He may never hate her._

_„You’re right,“ he tells her, still smiling while he sits back down at his desk. „See you tomorrow, partner?“_

_„Of course,“ she nods. „Goodnight, Jane.“ She waves at him, before she takes one final look and leaves. Every step more painful, than the other._

_The way to the parking lot seems endless. She has to stop a couple of times to fight the dizziness, almost loses the battle with her stomach when she bends down to get her car keys from the pavement._

_When she parks her car on the street in front of her apartment she’s glad to find her windows dark. Glad to see that Ray isn’t waiting for her. He would know sheds taken something the second he looked at her, would get her to a hospital and save her life. And she really doesn’t want to be saved._

_She locks the apartment door behind her twice, before she leaves her coat and her purse carelessly on her living room floor and stumbles up the stairs to her bedroom. She slips off her shoes and her jacket, before she crawls under the sheets. Surprised when she finds hot tears fall down her cheeks._

_When her head hits her pillow, she thinks about Jane and how sorry she is, before her world finally turns dark._

_._

_It’s someone saying her name, shaking her shoulders roughly that makes Teresa blink again. The room is spinning, her sight blurry and she feels sick. Someone calls her name again, this time louder and suddenly she knows it’s Ray._

_He grabs her, pulls her out of her bed and drags her forward with him._

_The next thing she knows, ice cold water is splashing down around her, soaking her clothes. And she’s sure he climbed with her in the bathtub. He holds her in a dead grip, her body pulled up against his chest. His voice so close against her ear it hurts._

_He tells her to open her mouth and she obeys instinctively. Her mind foggy. It’s not until he shoves his fingers down her throat, that she’s aware of what’s going to happen._

_She tries to fight him of, but she’s in no state to fight anyone. Instead she bends forward and starts to throw up blue little pills, while Ray holds back her hair._

_With every passing minute her sight and her mind get clearer. And Teresa wonders how much time had passed since she took the pills. Did she get the wrong ones after all? Did she mix something up? She should be dead by now. She must have done something wrong. She can’t even kill herself._

_He shoves his fingers down her throat again and again until there aren’t any pills left to vomit back up. Just then he allows her to sink back against his chest, her head on his shoulder. Ice cold water still splashing down around them._

_„Why did you do something foolish like that?“ he asks. His hands around her small wrists. „You could have gotten yourself killed, Teresa.“_

_She would laugh, if her throat wouldn’t burn like fire._

_„That’s what I was hoping for,“ she whispers. Her voice hoarse and tears burning behind closed lids. His grip tightens and she’s sure it will leave another pair of bruises._

_„Why do you keep saving me?“ she asks him instead. „You’re going to kill me anyway.“_

_He’s quiet for a moment, before he switches of the water and lifts her up in his arms._

_„Why would you say that?“ he asks her a moment later, when he places her on the tiles and wraps a towel around her shaking form. „Why would I want to kill you?“_

_And he looks so confused by her words that she’s almost sure he really is. But why would he? Of course he wants to kill her as well._

_„Teresa, I’m not going to kill you,“ he tells her softly, her face carefully cupped between his hands. „I love you.“_

_She isn’t sure if she wants to cry or laugh. He loves her._

_She closes her eyes, unable to look at him any longer, while he pulls her into his arms. Her face buried against his soaked shirt._

_„I’m always going to save you,“ he whispers. His hands gently stroking her hair. „Whether you like it or not, Teresa. I’m always going to save you.“_

_._

_When Teresa opens her eyes again, she finds herself in a hospital bed instead of her own. An IV attached to her right arm and Jane sitting on a chair to her left._

_„Welcome back,“ he tells her as he looks up from his book a smile on his face._

_And Teresa stares. How did she get there? And more important, how did Jane get there with her?_

_„What happened?“ she mutters. Completely confused. A moment ago she’d been in the bathroom with Ray, her clothes soaking wet from the shower._

_Jane looks worried. „What is the last thing you remember, Lisbon?“ he asks and puts his book down on the nightstand._

_That’s a tricky question. One Teresa can’t answer. Not in all honesty. Not before she knows what he knows._

_„I got home.“_

_„Are you sure?“_

_„What do you mean?“_

_„Lisbon, you never got home last night.“_

_What is he talking about now?_

_„Don’t be ridiculous, Jane. Of course I did. I came to the attic to talk to you and then I went home…“ Jane starts to shake his head and Lisbon is even more confused then she was before._

_„No, Lisbon. You never came to the attic last night,“ Jane explains softly and Teresa realizes he’s talking to her like she was a child. What the hell was wrong with him?_

_„I found you in your office, Lisbon. You were passed out on the floor, burning up and hallucinating.“_

_„No, that can’t be true, Jane.“ Teresa shakes her head. „I talked to you last night in the attic, I drove home, I…“_

_„No, Lisbon. That must have been another hallucination. You were completely out of it when I found you,“ Jane tells her softy. „It must have been horribly vivid. You nearly convinced me you had an affair with Red John.“_

_Jane laughs and Teresa feels like she’s about to throw up._

_„Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t feeling well yesterday?“ Jane asks her then, his hand still resting over hers. „I would have taken you home.“_

_„I don’t remember feeling sick,“ Teresa whispers. Her own voice sounds foreign in her ears. This time it’s not even a lie. She hadn’t been sick. Hadn’t have a fever. This didn’t make any sense._

_Was she hallucinating now? She grabs Jane’s hand so tightly it hurts. He whines in pain._

_„Do you want me to get a nurse?“ he asks her. His hand stiff, his whole body tense. „You look like you’re going to faint.“_

_„No,“ Teresa shakes her head blinking furiously. „I’m fine.“ She’s far away from fine, but a nurse won’t be able to help her._

_She takes a look out of the window into the bright California sun. Her mind is reeling._

_„What time is it?“ she asks him._

_„Around 10am,“ Jane answers. „I just got off the phone with Cho, to tell him that we both won’t be in the office today.“_

_„When did you find me?“_

_„I don’t know. I think around two, I wanted to make myself another cup of tea when I heard you talking.“_

_Teresa feels her face redden in embarrassment. God knows what she told him._

_Was it possible that Ray had taken her back to the office? But why had she been so sure she’d been at the attic before leaving?_

_„Teresa?“ It’s the way he says her birthname that makes her look at him again. „Are you sure you don’t want me to get a nurse?“_

_He looks worried and once again Teresa feels guilty. She nods, thinking of a way to get him out of the room so she can have a few moments to herself._

_„Do you think you could you get me a glass of water, please?“ she finally manages to come up with and almost sighs when she sees him get up immediately._

_„Sure, I’ll be back in a second.“_

_He gives her a smile and Teresa watches him leave the room, while she leans back on her pillow. What the hell did Ray do to her last night? Did he know about the pills? Did he switch them before she even got the chance to take them?_

_She took the pills, she’s sure. Did she pass out then? No. She’d been at home with Ray in her bathtub. Her throat still burns like fire and that has nothing to do with a bacterial infection._

_Teresa starts to rub her temples, when she spots a nurse on her way in her room with a bunch of flowers in her hand._

_„Someone left them for you at the front desk,“ the woman explains, before Teresa can ask. She gives her a smile, while she places them in a vase on the nightstand._

_„Who?“ Teresa asks, while she stares at the bouquet of red roses. Already horribly aware who left them for her._

_„A tall blonde guy with pretty blue eyes and a handsome face. You must be a very lucky woman, with two nice guys like that on your side,“ the nurse gives her a wink, while she’s already back on her way out and Teresa bites her lip furiously to keep herself from screaming out loud._

_For a moment she just stares at the flowers. Reality crashes down on her._

_There was no going back, she realizes. No matter how much she wanted that. She’d gotten herself into this mess and there was no way she would get herself out of it._

_She leans forward to get the little card pinned between the roses. Tears blur her vision when she finds a far too familiar smiling face inside and a few words scribbled in bloody red ink._

_„I’m always going to save you, Teresa. Whether you like it or not.“_

_Those once so well meaning words, spoken between Jane and herself in a container somewhere in Mexico, turned into a threat that would haunt her forever._

* * *

It’s a knock at her car window that brings Teresa back to the present and makes her jump in surprise. When she turns her head, she spots a cop beside her car.

Teresa tries her best to smile, while she pulls down the window.

„Is there something wrong, Officer?“ she asks the man who looks so young and uneasy, she’s sure he’s a rookie.

„No, Ma’am. No. We wanted to ask if there’s something we can help you with.“

„Me?“ Teresa raises her eybrows.

„Well Ma’am, you’re parked quite a while here. We just wanted to make sure, everything’s all right.“ When he squints his eyes to eye her a little more precisely Teresa’s painfully aware of the fact how she must look like.

„Have you been drinking, Ma’am?“

 _Great, just great._  As if her life hadn’t been bad enough already. But she knows she looks like a goddamn mess and she would have probably asked the same question.

„Ma’am, would you please step out of the vehicle?“

Teresa can’t help but groan. Realizing that she doesn’t even have her ID with her. It’s in her purse back at the apartment.  _Perfect_.Now she would have to call Ray and ask him to come and get her. Or maybe even worse. Maybe they would take her back to the station with them.

She’s about to get out of her car, when a second voice makes her stop.

„It’s alright, Chris. Let the woman go.“

She takes a look back and spots Officer McBright step out of the police car that’s parked behind her SUV.

The young boy looks completely dumbfounded, while McBright turns to her with an apologetic look on his face. „I’m sorry, Agent Lisbon. That’s just a misunderstanding.“

Teresa nods, too tired to answer. Of course she remembers Officer McBright. His personal mess was the first she had to clean up when she came to Austin. The first one Ray wanted her to clean up. She still feels slightly sick when she thinks about it.

Teresa watches the two men go back to their car and drive away, before she starts the engine of her own.

It was time to go home. There was nowhere else to go anyway.

.

When she comes back to the apartment, she finds Ray in the kitchen. He sits at the table, a glass of scotch in his hand and the bottle close by.

„Where have you been?“ he asks.

„Out.“

„Like that?“ He looks up from his glass and scoffs. „You look like a mess.“

Teresa doesn’t bother giving him an actual answer. It’s not like he really wants one. He’s just drunk, that much is obvious. And he only wants to hurt her.

She leans back on the counter, while she watches him get up. He steps towards her, until he’s so close she thinks she can taste the scotch in his breath on her own lips. Takes a strand of her dark curls in his hands and sniffs, before he lets go of them instantly. A disgusted look on his face.

„You smell like Patrick.“ He tells her. His look ice cold and Teresa wonders why he’s so mad at her. When he’d been there the whole night like he said he was he already knows nothing had happened.

„He didn’t touch me,“ she tells him. „But you already know that.“

Ray laughs, his blue eyes turning dark. „Do you want him to?“ he asks her, while he leans closer to her and Teresa has to fight the urge to step back.

„You fantasize about him, don’t you? You always have and you always will. You just can’t help it.“ He has her pushed back against the counter a second later, his hands around her wrists and Teresa’s sure she can hear her bones break. She wants to cry out in pain, but she knows better. Knows it would make things worse.

„Don’t.“ She tells him. Her voice firm, even though she’s scared. „Doctor’s orders. It’s too soon.“

Ray just smiles. It’s a cruel smile. A smile that makes clear that he knows and that he doesn’t care. And she keeps quiet, because she knows he’s drunk and hurt and that he won’t listen to her anyway.

He pushes himself between her legs and is about to rip off her sweatpants when Lilly’s high-pitched screams echo through the apartment.

She feels his body tense up, before he lets go of her wrists almost instantly. His dark eyes blue again, while he stares at her. Realization washing over him and Teresa is sure she finds regret in his eyes.

Or maybe it’s just what she wants to find.

.

Teresa stands under the shower until the water runs cold and she starts to shiver. Wrapped in a towel she sits down on the cold tiles. Her throbbing wrists carefully placed on her knees.

They hurt like hell, but she’s sure they’re not broken. And she’s relieved. That wouldn’t be much of a help taking care of an infant. And how on earth should she explain two broken wrists to someone? Not even she was that clumsy.

When she comes freshly dressed out of the bathroom, she finds Ray on their bed. Lilly peacefully sleeping on the covers beside him.

„I’m sorry,“ he tells her. His voice thick with sorrow. „I didn’t mean to hurt you.“

Teresa nods. „I know.“ And she does. But it doesn’t change the fact that he does hurt her.

She sinks down on her side of the bed, careful not to disturb the sleeping child. The last thing she wants right now is another fit of screams that would make her pounding headache worse.

„She’s beautiful,“ Ray mumbles after a moment. His eyes never leaving Lilly’s face and Teresa can’t help feeling useless.

„I’m sorry I wasn’t there,“ he whispers. Looking briefly up at her. „I know I promised you I would.“

Teresa says nothing. Just stares at her sleeping daughter instead.

„I’m glad you weren’t alone though,“ Ray adds and Teresa is sure he means it, but wonders if this is about her wellbeing or just about the baby’s.

For a moment they’re both silent. Watching the little baby between them.

„I’m going to buy a second crib for our bedroom,“ Ray tells her all of a sudden.

Teresa looks up. „I thought we agreed we wouldn’t?“

Ray shrugs. „I changed my mind. I want to spend as much time with her as possible when I’m home.“

Teresa watches him as he smiles down at his daughter. His finger softly touching the little girl’s hand and Teresa bites her lip to keep herself from saying something she’ll regret. If Ray wanted to have a second crib in their bedroom, there was nothing she could do to prevent it anyway.

„Do you want me to get a Nanny for her?“

Teresa has to fight back a laugh. „A Nanny?“ she asks. „Where would you find us a Nanny?“ The thought alone is ridiculous. Like they need someone snooping around in their lives. In their home.

It was already difficult enough as it was.

„You prefer to call Patrick then.“

„I didn’t say that.“

„There was no need to.“

They’re both quiet for a long time and Teresa tries her best not to look at him anymore. Afraid of what she’ll find in his eyes.

For a moment she wonders if she could throw all those doctor’s orders into the wind. Maybe he would look at her the same way he did a long time ago. But maybe not even that would work.

Sure, she was even thinner than she’d been before getting pregnant, but there were stretch marks on her skin. And the worst part was there weren’t not only visible, but tactile too. And Teresa still wonders why he didn’t want to have a surrogate mother for the whole thing. Her life would have been ruined either way, but at least her body would still be the same.

She’s so lost in her own thoughts that she doesn’t realize Ray got up from the bed, until he’s on his knees in front of her and puts a silver diamond ring on her finger.

She blinks, looks up at him and stares. There’s a smile on his handsome face, his raven black hair loosely falling in his face. Looking at her for the first time since he got back. Giving up his defenses at least for a brisk second. And this time only for her.

Of course he doesn’t ask her if she wants to marry him. She never thought he would. It would give her the opportunity to say no and there’s no room for something like that in their relationship.

He’d never asked her if she wanted to have a baby either, he’d simply switched her birth control pills when he decided he wanted to have one. She’d known there would be a ring involved sooner or later.

Still he managed to surprise her.

She wants to say something, but she doesn’t trust her voice. He traces the lines of her face with his finger, still a soft smile on his face. Looking like the young man she’d fallen in love with so many years ago.

„I love you, Teresa,“ he whispers and he sounds so honest, she doesn’t fight him when he bends forward to kiss her. It’s quick, but so gentle it makes tears spring to her eyes. Her heart aching for him to be a good person, a better man.

But he isn’t. He’s never been. His dark eyes staring at her when they part. A painful reminder of what he really is. And what she has become.

„You’re mine,“ he tells her. His breath burning her sensitive skin. „Don’t you ever forget that.“

**.**

**.**


End file.
